House's Laws of Motion
by Infusiion
Summary: Newton aint got nothin on this guy! WARNING: 'the chicken dance' will be remixed, pocket protectors will break and clothes will burn up in the earth's troposphere. a crazy, random fic.


**this, my children, is what happens when HouseCat gets bored during science. Crazy, random ideas like this take up residence in her brain and run rampant until she writes them down. i tried to sound smart a couple of times, i think, so excuse me if i make a fool of myself. i'm more of a human biology and chemistry person. i hate physics. Enjoy!

* * *

****FIRST LAW: Everything in motion tends to stay in motion, and everything at rest tends to stay at rest.**

"House. Clinic. Now" Cuddy growled menacingly. House slurped his Coke, and turned the volume on his TV up.

"Go to the Clinic House!" She screamed. His ignorance was accompanied by a large belch in her direction.

"If you don't go to the Clinic within the next five seconds, I will kick your ass!" She threatened, face turning nice and pink. Satisfied the drink was now empty, House threw the empty cup over his shoulder and switched the TV off. Cuddy breathed a sigh of relief, which was soon interrupted by a techno remix of "the chicken dance" blasting through his Ipod speakers.

"House, if you want to keep your job, I suggest you go to the Clinic NOW!" She yelled over the irratating music.

"and a little bit of this, and a little bit of that QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK" House screamed stupidly, flapping his hands.

"Chickens don't quack you retard!" Cuddy shouted in frustration, before she snapped and ran over behind his chair. Grabbing him by the shoulders she heaved and propelled him forward. He fell face down on the floor like a sack of rice.

"amb a mmbble bim omph miph amb a mmbble bim omph phat PHWACK PHWACK PHWACK PHWACK" came his muffled response. Beside him on the carpet his hands were flapping wildly.

A high pitched whistle filled the room as steam shot out of Cuddy's ears.

**SECOND LAW: Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. The greater the mass the greater the force needed.**

"Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the final round of the Doctor Throwing Championship! Go one Pete, you're up! Let's hear it for Pete everyone! Let's see if he can get those quacks over the line!" The crowd roared in encouragement. In the arena, House, Cuddy, Wilson and the Ducklings stood spread out behind a long orange line. Ahead of them in the distance was a bright green one.

The large oaf in unflattering red tights stepped forward and grunted, before advancing towards Wilson, who yelped and hid behind House.

"Piss off Jimmy!" He complained, pushing his friend in the open. Pete stomped over and grabbed Wilson's shirt.

"Oh no, my pocket protector!" Wilson screamed as he was flung into the arena. He landed with a 'plop' on the other side of the bright green line. The crowd cheered.

Pete brushed his hands with a smirk, and glanced over at Cuddy, whose eyes widened.

"Oh no-" She started, before Pete stomped over and extended his arms towards her.

"Wait a second, you watch where you put those hand mister aaieeeeeee!" Cuddy squealed as she was thrown across the arena to land behind the line, few metres further than Wilson.

"As you can see ladies and gentleman, the doctor… yes, I think it's a female…" the host added, squinting. "Has less mass than the male doctor, therefore when the same amount of force was applied to her, she went further."

"And this is relevant, how?" House yelled rudely from the background.

"I'm sure it applies somehow." The host brushed him off. "And now, moving on…"

Pete grunted and took a step towards Foreman.

"You ain't touchin' me!"

Pete kept walking.

"I swear, you take one more step and I'll whup yo ass"

Grunt.

"No, no, no, Moooommmmy!" Foreman screamed as he landed with an 'oof' beside Wilson, who was sobbing and trying to stick his pocket protector back together.

At that moment Chase giggled, which was a big mistake. Pete heard him, and turned to him with a grin, which prompted an 'eep' from the blonde doctor.

Pete grabbed Chase and lifted him above his fat head.

With a squeal, Chase zoomed through the air. His shadow fell across Wilson, who had just managed to fix his beloved pocket protector. The younger man landed with a 'thud' on top of Wilson, who took one look at the now shattered pocket protector and wailed.

Now only House and Cameron stood behind the orange line. Pete swiveled round and saw them. He thought for a moment, before advancing towards House.

"Don't even think about it!" He said, pulling Cameron in front of him. "Take her instead!"

"Hey!" Cameron said indignantly, turning to scowl at the scruffy doctor. But before she could respond further Pete had lifted her up and thrown her with minimal effort. With a squeak she shot over the wall, going so fast the friction caused her clothes to burn off. House sniggered and whipped out his camera.

Pete gave the doctor a huge lopsided smirk, and ran towards him.

"Oh no you don't. Stop!" House commanded. Pete hesitated, before continuing.

House hopped around trying to avoid Pete's grasp, before whacking him with his cane. What followed was a rather amusing spectacle, in which House hobbled around at lightning speed, frantically trying to avoid Pete the hairy gorilla.

From behind the green line Cuddy, Foreman and Chase shouted encouragements to their boss, while Wilson lay face down in the dirt clutching what remained of his pocket protector.

**THIRD LAW: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.**

House sighed. He was bored. He hobbled into the conference room, where Chase sat doing a crossword puzzle. He stood behind the blonde doctor and gave him a slap on the shoulder. Chase's knee jumped and hit the table.

"Interesting." House murmured.

He prodded the back of Chase's head, and the younger man farted.

"Ew."

Next he tried pulling Chase's hair, which prompted a squeak from the intensivist.

"Bingo"

For the next five minutes all that could be heard coming from the conference room was a series of squeaks synched to a fast-paced version of "Old MacDonald".

When that became boring, House hobbled into the clinic where Cameron was running some gels.

He stood behind her, and she didn't acknowledge his presence.

"Hi Cameron."

Nothing.

"Whatcha doing?"

Silence.

House thought for a moment.

"Bitch"

"Asshole"

That's better.

"Cow"

"Son-of-a-bitch"

"Skank"

"Wanker"

"Bad doctor"

"Crippled doctor"

Ouch.

House remained silent, and Cameron continued running gels. After a few minutes he tentatively reached out and tugged on her hair. She turned around and slapped him. He raised his eyebrows in approval. Next he poked her in the shoulder. She burped. He stifled a giggle.

What he tried next had him sent flying across the lab.

House hobbled into Wilson's office more painfully than usual, every now and then stopping to rub his bruised backside.

He plopped down in a chair in front of the desk, where Wilson was working.

"Hi Wilson"

"What do you want House?"

House didn't reply, but changed tactic.

"Bastard."

"Don't you have someone else to annoy?"

House frowned, before extending his cane towards Wilson, who kept his head down.

"Go home, House"

The scruffy doctor hung his head in defeat, and hobbled out the door.

* * *

_the end. now, you know what to do:)_


End file.
